Rambling Josh

“BE BURKE COUNTIES BIGGEST LOSER.” The headlines jumped out at me and seized my attention. My heart skipped a beat as excitement overtook me…finally…us losers are going to be recognized. All the years spent honing our loser skills were going to pay off, the world would finally know, and award us for the burden we bare. How do they intend on judging us? Is there a loser test? I think my wife already had me take that one in her last Cosmo magazine. If so nobody stands a chance against me. Or possibly an in-depth interview of the loser candidate by a panel of expert losers. As we regal them with our loser life story they could award points for various episodes in our lives that distinguish us as losers. The score card may look something like this.

February 12th, 1982: Huge snow storm. Helped Great Grandma out of her wheelchair so she could shovel the driveway: 10 loser points

Granny doing a shabby job, so I knocked on the window to point out the spots she missed: 8 loser points

Wind howling too loud, Granny can’t hear me knocking on the window. Pelt her with snowballs to get her attention: 15 loser points

Dad gives me $5.00 for shoveling the driveway. I ask Granny for $10.00. She whines about frost bitten fingers as she digs through her purse. 18 loser points

If the point system doesn’t work maybe each biggest loser candidate could be followed around and videoed for a few weeks. Then you the audience could vote for the biggest loser. Of course the cameras would have to be hidden to prevent any embellishment of loser activity on the loser’s behalf. Fellow Burke County losers, our moment of glory is upon us. May the biggest loser win.

I believe it was about 15 years ago when the ‘losers’ bracket in sports began being replaced by the ‘consolation’ round. The reason probably being, that some shrink decided that it dented the fragile psyche of America’s youth to see themselves or their team in the LOSERS bracket. So they are not losers they are consolers, and as consolers I think that the consolation round would be much more constructive if the teams were to embrace in a group hug and console one another instead of continuing to play the game that they are obviously not very good at. Who am I to say such things? I’m 5’9 and I played center for the Burke Central Panthers Basketball team, I know about the loser’s bracket. I really don’t care what they call it, and it really doesn’t matter what side of the bracket you’re on. What are important are the experiences, values, and memories that sport participation brings young athletes, win or lose.

As for the “real” Biggest Loser program, it is a wonderful program. Since I am in a health care field I am always happy to see a community promoting programs that encourage a healthy lifestyle. Take advantage of the program, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the crowning of Burke Counties Biggest Loser. For those of you that are in the program, but don’t win, stick with it, maybe you’ll be a bigger loser next time.

Alright stop sulking over the soap-on-a-rope you got from you great aunt. It’s not as bad as the doily of the month club your brother was enrolled in. No time for that, another year is on the ropes and about to go down for the count. There still time to resolve what you forgot to resolve this past year. Get out there champ; climb that mountain, lose that weight, lift that weight….wait. No, your right, it’s too late. Hang the clothes back on your treadmill and get back to your “better than spam cake.” There’s always next year.

Ever since I resolved to be perfect a few years back I’ve had the luxury of not having to make resolutions anymore. Laugh it up. For those of you that can’t decide on what to resolve this year I’ve gone through the trouble of providing you with a few possible options. Disclaimer: The results of the following resolutions may vary. Consult your physician before attempting to resolve anything that requires bending at the waist and/or anything else that could be construed as being of a strenuous nature.

Resolve to get the daily recommended allowance of fiber. Decreases your chances of heart disease and increase your chances of getting your own seat on the bus.

Resolve to keep your nose hairs neatly trimmed. So when you sneeze it doesn’t appear as if a crazed octopus is doing the cha-cha on your upper lip.

Resolve to banish yourself from the island of so-called reality TV. That’s right Mr. Trump, you and your beauty school drop-out hair stylist are fired.

Resolve to stop buying little kids clown dolls or clown anything for that matter. I did a little study, 9 out of 10 kids, and myself, find clowns to be terrifying and wish they would all climb in their little car and go away.

Resolve to buy a Chinese yo-yo at the shrine circus and attempt to take your little brothers eye out with it. How many kids do you see wearing eye patches? Rooster Cogburn must not have been warned of such dangers.

Resolve to sort through your underwear drawer. If it bares a striking resemblance to tainted cheesecloth, discard of it immediately.

Resolve to never go deer hunting with Laurie Chrest again. It’s the mental scars that heal the slowest.

Resolve to limit yourself to photocopying your face at work to once a week. Challenge a co-worker to try and keep their eyes open when they do it, they’ll be blinded for a few days but the memories will last forever.

Resolve to go on a quest to find the correct answer to every question your wife will ever ask you. “Your absolutely right dear” will work for now, but they’re catching on.

Well there you have it. I hope that I was able to assist you in finding something to resolve in the coming year. Enjoy the holidays, don’t take any wooden nickels, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, eat your vegetables, and help your brother find his eye patch. See you next year.

I called my mom on the 5th to wish her a happy birthday, because that’s what a good son does, and she informed me that the yearly school head lice checks had just been completed. She was pleased to report that all of the students at Burke Central were head lice free. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case when I was wee lad attending third grade there.

Ahh…the memories. Each class was taken down to the designated head lice checking area, so each student could have their hair searched by one of the friendly volunteers. Something you never want to hear when having someone in the medical profession examining any part of you is, “Oh, oh” as they turn to one of their co-workers and say, “Could you take a look at this?” Not good. That’s exactly what I heard as the rubber gloves searching my scalp suddenly stopped, and decided that whatever it was in my hair needed to be looked at under a microscope. So after the potential villain was plucked from my head along with several innocent hairs, all the nurses gathered round the microscope for a look. After a brief period of intense examination they all nodded broke huddle and called my mom to come and get her lice infested kid.

As I waited for my mom to come get me I watched them place all of the contents of my desk into a bag for delousing or something of that nature. I don’t recall being embarrassed at all, mostly amused, and somewhat happy as I thought about getting a little vacation from school. My brother Jarvis wasn’t amused at all, he was embarrassed. He was in the grade below me and was told that he had to go home too just in case he was harboring any of the little rodents.

When mom got there she was given a brochure, “Dealing With Your Filthy Head Lice Infested Kid” That might not be the exact title. So we go home and mom’s asking me where I could have gotten lice. I didn’t have a clue, but then she started reading through the brochure, which highlighted several ways of contracting lice. Using someone’s comb, a pillow, a hat…. a hat… Just then it all became very clear. It seems that someone else in my class also had head lice that they had gotten from a fox that their dad had shot. The very same person that owned the stocking cap that I swiped and put on my head and ran around with until she beat me and took it back. Ah, hah! Dad wasn’t real amused. He couldn’t understand why I would put someone else’s stocking cap on. He has since learned not to try and understand why I do anything that I do; it’s just easier that way. I think he also threatened to shave my head if I ever did anything like that again. That would have been a devastating blow to my young developing mullet, so I agreed to find other means of which to entertain myself.

My name is Josh and I have been head lice free for 23 years.

It seems as though everytime I talk to my mom a new diet is sweeping through the area. Some are interesting, some are strange, some could work, most don’t. Fad diets, as their name implies, come and go so fast it’ll make your head spin and your stomach turn, literally.

Think back to all things that have whipped through your life on the fad train…..hmmmm let’s see, leg warmers, tight rolled jeans, mullets for the men, high bangs for the women, and that’s just from the 80’s. No generation is without fads. What do you do when you think back to those fads? That’s right, you smile as a mental image of yourself looking dapper cruising in your El Camino, mullet flowing in the breeze, your girlfriends high hair catching bugs, pigeons, Winnebago’s, and whatever else has the misfortune of entering the dreaded “Aqua Net Zone.” As you shake your head to clear it of the madness, it all just seems, well a little strange now, and you wonder just what you were thinking. Sorry I got sidetracked there in my stroll down memory lane. Anyway my point is this, get a good hair cut, and don’t flounder around in the fad diet world looking for the quick fix to get you back into your tight rolled acid washed jeans.

There is no such thing as a quick fix, and if it is a quick fix the results brought on by it will disappear faster than a box of twinkies in a bomb shelter (I don’t know). For a diet to be successful it has to stop being a ‘diet’ and become your lifestyle. You have to find out what is good for you, and of those choices, which do you like to eat. Your body needs certain nutrients and certain amounts of those nutrients to function correctly. If the needs of your body aren’t being met there will be consequences. Consequences such as slowed brain function, fatigue, and decreased metabolism, to name a few. Yes, decreased metabolism. If your diet involves extreme calorie reduction, which is anything below 1500 calories a day, your body will compensate by slowing your metabolism.

Our bodies are smart, and it sometimes wishes that the lump above our shoulders would quit teetering around under that mullet and think about what it’s doing to the body that’s carting it around. When your calories are restricted your body hoards what it has, which is good in times of famine, but we are far from those times. The metabolism slows, and then you fall off the fad diet wagon landing in a tub of BoomChocoLatta Ice Cream. Now your calorie intake increases, but guess what, your metabolism is still turned down lower than Burt Bacharach at a Metalica festival. All of this adds up to weight gain, loud music, bad hair, and the search for another diet. Not necessarily in that order. When it comes to your clothes and hair feel free to follow a fad, the kids always need costumes for homecoming, but when it comes to your diet and health choose wisely.

The holiday season, by the way, is no time to start a diet, no matter what the turkeys say. Never trust a turkey…even if you voted for them. If I don’t see you next week, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello there, hope all is well in your world. Since this is my first column in the Burke County Tribune introductions are in order.

First off I reside in Rapid City, S.D., with my wife Dawn, and our two children, Sierra and Jackson. I have been an instructor in the Athletic Training Education Program at National American University for the past four years, and my wife works as a physical therapy tech. We have lived in Rapid City for about five years now, and really enjoy all that the Black Hills has to offer. There is one problem though; it’s just too far away from my hometown of Lignite.

My parents, Donavon and Joann, are the D and the J of DJ’s Food Center in Lignite. Mom is also a professional photographer. Yes mom, a professional, and Dad has taken lawn care to a whole new level. Have you ever had grass taunt you when you’re mowing it?

My grandparents, who just happen to be my parents' parents, strange how that works out isn’t it, are Helen Ellis and Rose and Ardell Chrest. I feel very fortunate to be a part of such a wonderful family. They are good people, and it will pain me to expose all the dirt on them, but as a columnist I have a job to do. I also feel very fortunate to have grown up in “Up-State” North Dakota, as my mom sometimes refers to it. I may live in Rapid City but my heart prefers to hang out in Burke County with people who know what a slushburger is. Don’t get all misty eyed on me now.

I contacted the tribune after reading that Jodi Benge was retiring her column “Just Jodi” and asked if they would consider letting me give it a go. After an extensive background check they still decided to give me a shot. Thank you. I enjoy writing, and my dad always told me I should make a career out of it. I’m not quitting my job just yet, and if you find that you would rather clean your geese on this column than read it, well you can blame my dad. It’s always the parents' fault, isn’t it?

What can you expect to read about in this column? Good question. It could be about anything, anything except car repair and farm machinery. Those are subjects I know nothing about. Grandpa Ardell tried to teach me to cultivate once, only once. The fence line didn’t stop me, but the broken hitch did. Mechanic work is another thing I really don’t have any business attempting. My brother, Jarvis and Uncle Kevin can attest to that. I’m in charge of holding the trouble light, which gives me time to work on my shadow puppets. I’ll show you my President Reagan shadow some-day. Stunning, it really is.

Anyway, enough rambling. I’m looking forward to hanging out with you every other week. Bye now.

See original printed version of Shadow Puppets.