Rambling Josh

During my glorious carefree fun filled college days I claimed, on paper anyway, to be a biology major and I somehow managed to graduate with a bachelor of science degree in biology. A B.S. in Biology, the B.S. part is accurate and somewhat fitting as I had intended on becoming a forest ranger and spending my days moseying around the woods analyzing various forms of animal droppings. Now as an athletic trainer I mosey around gymnasiums and football fields waiting for athletes to drop. B.S. is in just as plentiful a supply at a sporting event as it is in the forest, it’s just being produced and expelled in a different format.

Sometimes what we set out to do or be isn’t what we end up doing or being. For instance, my brother had dreams of one day performing on Broadway. He would dance fervently around the house, dancing and dancing until he would collapse in an exhausted heap, his leotard soaked with sweat. Then one fateful day while dancing he slipped on a stray Lincoln Log rolled his ankle and was never the same. With his dreams of Broadway so cruelly and violently ripped away he sold his leotard and leg warmers and became a lineman.

Since both my brothers are lineman feel free to create a mental picture of whichever one you would find most entertaining dancing around in a leotard. I find them both entertaining and as their older brother I’m confident that I could convince both of them to slip into a leotard.

B.S. got me thinking about B.S. and the other words and phrases we use to express ourselves. For example “Son of a biscuit” is a phrase I refuse to use for various reasons. First of all, as a quasi biology major I do not recall ever studying the reproductive system of a biscuit which makes me question the validity and accuracy of the statement. Since I wasn’t the most attentive student it is entirely possible that I missed that chapter or was absent the day we went over the biscuit reproduction system and had biscuit dissection lab. If that is the case I apologize for my ignorance.

What would the son of a biscuit be? A crouton? An oyster cracker? Secondly, I don’t use that phrase because I believe if you’re going to curse, if you want to curse, if you need to curse then don’t dilly dally around with the low-fat diet version. Spit out a mouthful of the real McCoy. Always full flavored, always satisfying. When you smash your thumb with a hammer and, “Oooh snicker doodles!” just doesn’t cut it reach for the tried and true. This message approved and funded by Cursers of America. We swear by it.

Cursing is an art and like all art forms some people are better at it and more fluent in it than others. Like any great artist you need to know what to use, when to use it, and how much is necessary. That is where many go wrong and give cursing a bad name. I like salt but too much of it can make you cringe. The error those people are making is that they are not taking their audience into consideration. Like an artist who paints portraits of hamburgers and steaks to sell at the PETA convention they just don’t understand the wants and needs of their audience. Don’t understand or don’t care.

Properly used, cursing, can make you feel better, get your point across in fewer words, and provide some level of entertainment to those around you. Unless of course the curse is directed at those around you which of course is the beginning of an entirely different scenario that may find you with a fist in your curse emitter. If you’ve been wanting to give cursing a try start with muttering obscenities to test the waters. Start low and grow is what we teach here at the Cursers of America Academy of the Arts and What Not.

Speaking of B.S., cursing, and muttering obscenities, I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and the box of chocolates you got didn’t have too many of those chocolates filled with that nasty orange marshmallow substance.

I drew the taxi to Terry Peak straw this past weekend and as I was sitting in the ski lodge passing the time until 4:00, when the lifts shut down for the day and my son and his buddies are forced to stop snowboarding, I spied a sign. A sign I’ve paid a passing glance to in booze pedaling establishments once or twice over the years.

The sign’s intention is to assist those that may have forgotten their age or have been traveling abroad and need to be reminded of the legal drinking age in the United States and South Dakota. The sign said, “If you were born on or before January 29, 1991 enjoy an ice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon.” A simple sign, you’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it time and time again.

I worked as a bartender when I was in college and rotating the numbers on the sign was one of a multitude of exhausting duties required of me. Slicing lemons, putting pickle spears and olives on little swords, making sure there wasn’t too much lipstick on the clean beer glasses, and rotating numbers. Oh yeah, and making sure the televisions were all tuned to various sporting events. If no sports were on customers were forced to watch golf or NASCAR instead.

What caught my eye this particular time was the year, 1991. That was the year I graduated from Burke Central High School. Baby’s that were just making their messy and noisy entrance into this world that year can now legally make a messy and noisy exit from a bar. Using my rudimentary math skills and general knowledge of legal drinking age I deduced that 21 years ago I was a young man in tight pants, loafers, and a flowing mane strolling the halls of BCHS on the downhill side of my senior year.

I was enjoying myself sitting at the bar in the ski lodge until that point. Who wants to be reminded that they are well before the “if you were born on or before” date? Not me. As my high school history and shop teacher, Mr. Savelkoul, always said, “Ignorance is bliss.” I was blissful until that sign threw 21 years at me and made me ponder this and that. Pondering this and that reminded me that I will be 40 in July and if the next 21 years go by as quickly as the last I’m going to be 60 sometime next week.

I feel a little nauseous. Mid-life crisis? Does mid-life mean half done or half to go? I can count on the half done part; at least until I forget it, but the half to go part is a crap shoot. I gotta stop with this line of thought; it’s not good for my complexion. Those of you more experienced in the matters of aging could maybe fill me in on how long I’m going to fret about all this number and age nonsense because it’s exhausting.

In my experience hiking, going downhill always means there’s going to eventually be an uphill so you enjoy the downhill because you know the uphill is going to be difficult and tiring. I’m not ready to enjoy the downhill yet so I guess I’ll turn around and walk back up to that knot head in the tight pants and loafers and tell him to enjoy life it goes by fast…and to get a hair cut.

Early one blustery South Dakota January morning the “Pre and Me Meat Co.” was founded and brought forth stuff made of meat. One meat, actually, brought forth in various delicious forms, smoked venison, dried venison, and venison summer sausage all were carefully hand crafted and Labrador approved.

This process of processing was much more time intensive than I imagined and I now understand why people would ere on the side of stinginess when it comes to sharing their homemade jerky and sausage. My right hand dog, Pre, took a keen interest in the art of turning this into that and was by my side every step of the way.

If he had thumbs and better penmanship I’m sure he would have been taking detailed notes. With the large volume of drool this meat work was producing I was concerned about Pre’s hydration and electrolyte levels so I kept him well supplied with Gatorade.

I have made jerky in the oven and in the dehydrator with success in the past but that seemed too easy and predictable so I thought I would take the “Pre and Me Meat Co.” to a new level and really impress our customers and attempt a few new methods. I read an article a few years back on making a smoker out of a garbage can and wanted to give it a try so I set out to do some net surfing to get the particulars on garbage can smoker construction.

To answer your first question, “Yes it was a brand new never been used to contain actual rubbish and what not metal garbage can.” To answer your second question, “I didn’t just go buy a smoker because I saved at least $7.00 by building one of my own.” The Pre of “Pre and Me Meat Co.” will be more than willing to answer any further questions you may have in regards to smoker construction, meat preparation, or canine thoughts and beliefs about UFO’s and Big Foot.

With my garbage can smoker materials list in hand I headed to the hardware store with visions various smoked animals dancing in my head. I apologize to any vegetarians that may be reading this but the vision was a most pleasant site and like a Pavlovian dog I began to salivate as I strolled through the hardware store. Uncontrollable salivation in the hardware store isn’t anything new but this time the reason had nothing to do with the latest and greatest model of table saw with laser alignment and free dado blade.

While searching for all the necessary components I did run across an actual factory made smoker that would only require me to open the box. I was in Wal-Mart at the time and in a weakened state, my general state when forced to venture into Wal-Mart, and of course it was on clearance but I fought of the urge to go with “Made in China” and stayed the course for “Made in my garage”.

Besides, I figured if it didn’t work out at least I would have a garbage can and Pre would have his fill of smoked meat. With some personal modifications to the plans I found on the internet the garbage can smoker worked. Men always make personal modifications to plans because otherwise it’s just following instructions and no man likes to have their creativity and undiscovered genius stifled by instructions.

So after fifteen hours of tending to the needs of drying and smoking meat my family can enjoy the tasty, and let us not forget healthy, products of the “Pre and Me Meat Co.” Be sure to tune in next week as we transform a Mini Winnie into a mobile smoker capable of the simultaneous production and transportation of various forms of smoked and dried meats.

My daughter wanted to stroll around downtown this weekend and visit a few antique shops so her and I headed out for some father daughter browsing. She didn’t ask me to wait in the car or walk a block behind her so I assumed she wanted me to tag along. I enjoy antique shops and generally take a leisurely stroll through the shops in downtown Rapid City every month or so.

I don’t really go there to buy anything I just enjoy looking at old stuff. Apparently I’m not a minority in the “looking not buying” as not much merchandise seems to have changed hands in any of the antique shops in the last few years. As my daughter said, “These stores are more like museums than stores.”

As much as I enjoy “antiquing” I always experience a twinge or two of sadness as I stroll about surrounded by things that once belonged to and were most likely treasured by someone else a long time ago. What was the story behind those that gave form and life to these clothes, gazed into this mirror, walked in these shoes?

I enjoy holding old hand tools and feeling the smooth well-worn wood handle in my hand as I wonder about the person that owned them and what they created with them. Did some kid use this bit brace to drill holes in a bunch of car tires on his grandpa’s farm? My brother Jarvis and I can’t be the only kids that did that? I have that very bit brace in my possession and I smile every time I look at it. My grandpa was a patient man.

The children’s toys always get to me too, but in a different way. I look at those mint condition toys, many of which I had as a child, and wonder what kind of sissy kid owned them. Those poor toys never got properly played with. My toys were mint condition for as long as it took me to construct an explosive or find a hammer. My brother and I were very hard on toys and generally beat up, blew up, or burned up most any toy in our possession.

I did feel a slight pang of guilt when I spied a Johnny West action figure in a glass case complete with all his twenty-four accessories, horse, two dogs (Flick and Flack), and his entourage. The whole gang was there, Jane, Jay and Josie West, Sam Cobra (the villain), and Chief Cherokee and his daughter, Princess Wildflower.

Why did I feel a bit guilty as I looked over this impressive set of toys? The Johnny West action figures were manufactured from 1965 to about 1975 and my Uncle Tim had this same complete set when he was a kid. The complete set, in the condition my uncle left it, would probably be worth about $500 dollars today. The complete set, in the condition my brother and I left it, is worthless. My uncle is a patient man.

Poor Johnny, Jane, Jay, and Josie. Their cowboy days were numbered the day Jarvis and Josh were introduced to the West gang. It all started with mean ole' Sam Cobra stealin' Chief Cherokee’s horse, which Princess Wildflower happened to be riding at the time. Well we thought Sam stole the horse but we came to find out later, after we had popped an arm or two off in the name of frontier justice, that he and Princess Wildflower had been seeing each other on the sly.

Jarvis and I panicked and began pursuing all those that witnessed our mishandling of the Sam Cobra case to cover our tracks. They were in the wrong toy box at the wrong time. Somehow though the mint condition Johnny West gang in the glass display case all seem a little melancholy, like they missed out on something. They’re just begging to live a little. To have an arm, leg, or head snapped off. To be de-accessorized and terrorized by two destructive kids that were sent to play because they couldn’t watch Hee Haw and Lawrence Welk quietly.

Johnny West…“Pffft you were gone.”

The Black Hills Stock Show and Rodeo is in town for a few weeks which means I get the call to either work the rodeo or work whatever other sporting events are going on in town during that time. I got the “other” this time around so Friday and Saturday I worked about 16 hours of high school basketball.

By “worked” I mean I sat and ate some popcorn and a licorice whip or two, read the paper and patiently waited for someone to get hurt. If you’re not the patient type and thrive on a constant threat of disaster and excitement in the workplace athletic training probably isn’t the profession for you.

A disaster in my workplace is getting halfway through a bag of popcorn and as your digging a kernel out of your teeth coming to the realization that you forgot to wash your hands after evaluating a sweaty foot.

I mentioned my penchant for people watching a few weeks back and that is one of the requirements for enjoying life as an athletic trainer. Highest on my list of people to watch at sporting events has always been the coaches. Nothing better than watching a seemingly stable adult get lost in a temper tantrum when a call doesn’t go their way or when a player doesn’t do what they were coached to do.

The only place you could enjoy more whining and cursing would be at a bingo palace just after someone (most likely my Grandma Helen) yelps out, “Bingo!”

As an athletic trainer and a washed up athlete I’ve spent a lot of time on the sidelines and in locker rooms privy to a front row seat to some wonderfully entertaining tirades. Entertaining but for some reason never motivational. I guess I’ve never been the type to garner motivation from a raging coach. Motivated? No. Fits of silent full body shake laughter and unwipable smirks? Yes. Knute Rockne would have strangled me.

Throwing clip boards, kicking chairs, ripping off suit coats, cursing, stomping about…what a spectacle to behold. Some coaches are better at it than others and manage to tie everything together into an impressive seamless rant. No breaks or pauses just let it go.

I understand where this outburst of emotion comes from. If you were to invest as much time and effort into a team as a head coach does you would probably find yourself in the same position a time or two. Coaches want the best out of their players for the sake of their players and the team. Someone once said, “Playing sports doesn’t build character it reveals it.” A coach works to get their players and team into a position to reveal their character.

I commend their dedication to their sport and their athlete’s and am thankful for the many good coaches I’ve played for and worked with. I commend you and thank you and yes sometimes I laugh at you.

You would laugh at you too if you could see that vein sticking out of your forehead as you stomp about yelling something in reference to a referees eyesight and insufficient intelligence.

What’s the take home message? Never accept a half-eaten bag of popcorn from an athletic trainer at a sporting event. Unless you like extra salt.

When I was a sophomore in high school my parents bought the grocery store in Lignite. “Berg’s Red Owl” became “DJ’s Food Center” and for 22 years my parents put in endless hours of their time and energy to make their business a success. How many of you could work with your spouse for 22 years without an “incident” leaving you to explain yourself in front of a jury?

Like many other members of our family I occasionally worked at the store to help out and to visit with customers. The latter being my area of expertise. Unlike my parents we could all come and go without worrying about the store and all its working parts.

We could enjoy a North Dakota lightning storm without worrying about a compressor getting knocked out, we could go away for the weekend and not worry about a freezer going down, we could go off to college with a trunk full of grocery’s and not worry who was going to work if we got sick.

The store wasn’t open 24 hours a day 7 days a week but be assured that owning it was a 24/7 gig and how my parents did it for so long is impressive. People would ask if I had plans of taking over the store one day and it was a thought that I briefly entertained when I first got married. Very briefly.

Being away from home at college for 4 or 5 years can dim the memory but a few days of working full-time at the store was always good for enlightening me with the fact that running that joint would be far from entertaining. If it had occurred DJs would not have stood for Dawn and Josh but most likely Drunken Josh, Dumb Josh, Drooling Josh or some other unflattering “D” words.

My Mom and Dad have always been my hero’s. Webster’s Dictionary defines a hero as “someone admired for their achievements and noble qualities.” Running a successful business for 22 years is an achievement but the noble way in which it was done is something very special. I admire them for what they did and I admire them for being able to step away.

Be assured that this was not an easy decision that came about suddenly and without thought. They gave a lot of themselves to that place and it is true that it did give back. It gave them a livelihood, it gave them a means to support a family, it gave them the opportunity to help a lot of people in need.

There was give and take but my parents giving a lot and the store taking a lot more is not a balanced equation. Now my parents are free to focus their “noble qualities” on other avenues and I am confident that whatever direction they go they will arrive successfully and together. Together…that’s all that has ever mattered.

Thank you Mom and Dad for doing what you did for so long. You are my hero’s and I wish you all the best. Also, thank you to those in the community and surrounding area that supported the store with your loyal patronage.

It was our dogs third birthday the other day. Well we really don’t know when his actual birthday is so we just use the day we got him at the humane society as his birthday. All we know is that he was a stray picked up by animal control and brought to the humane society when he was roughly 6 months old.

He doesn’t like to talk about his past much, labs are like that, so I respect his privacy and figure he’ll tell me when he’s good and ready, things like that take time. Some night when he’s had one too many shots of Captain Labrador, he’s twenty-one now, he’ll lose his grip on that bitter ball of past resentments and it’ll all come out.

So what did we get Pre for his third birthday? We brought him home from the pound three years ago that should be enough I would think. That and two cans of dog food a day, all the water he can drink, a floor to sleep on, a yard to do his business in, and two kids that adore him. I think he’s done pretty well for himself.

I remember the day we got him. We went to the humane society just to look. Taking two kids to the humane society “just to look”…yeah I should have seen it coming. I really didn’t know if I wanted a dog, seemed like too much of a hassle, and I never really would describe myself as a dog person, but then I met Pre. I’m still not one of the “those” dog people, I’m a Pre person, he suits me.

Someone once told me that you don’t find a dog they find you and I can’t imagine our family without Pre now. I also can’t imagine what it would be like if the kids did everything they said they would do if we got a dog. Walk him, brush him, feed him, pick up after him, “Oh we’ll do all of that dad, every single day, and you won’t even have to tell us twelve times to do it.” Can’t imagine.

Awhile back the kids conspired with their mother to “suggest” we get another dog so Pre had someone to chit chat with about things us humans just don’t understand. I told them we could get another dog but we’d have to get rid of Pre first. We only have one dog bed, one dog dish, one leash, so it seems to me we can only have one dog. They retreated but I’m always on guard for another barrage or any side trips to the humane society “just to look.”

I was the one that wanted a dog least. Maybe that’s why he seems to have taken to me the most. I heard him explaining it to the neighbor’s dog, “The two kids and that lady were a pushover but it took a little work to soften up the balding one that blames all the farts on me.”

He softened me up more than I care to admit. Now if he’d only learn to make a pot a coffee in the morning and tell me when my clothes don’t match before I go to work.

The kids and I kicked off our school year a few weeks ago. Back to the scheduled life of academia we go for another 9 month tour. I don’t care much for schedules and routines so it’s always hard for me to get back into the having to be places at certain times mind set.

I much prefer the flip-flop frame of mind I dawdle in over those glorious summer months. It’s a tough monkey to get off your back. Well actually that’s not a monkey I just haven’t had time to get my back waxed with all this work stuff going on and with the winter months approaching I may just hold off until spring.

For those poor souls that don’t know or have never experienced a “flip-flop frame of mind” you have some homework. I know summers has drained away like the public pool water leaving nothing but 3 months of sunscreen sludge and lord only knows what else clinging to the sides, but there’s still a few warm days left to complete your assignment.

Here’s the assignment: Put on your normal lace up, pull-on, Velcro, whatever you normally constrain your feet to shoes, and go for a walk, either around town, out in the yard, do some yard work, some house work, mow the lawn, walk the dog, go door-to-door collecting dryer lint and old toothbrushes, whatever just move for awhile. Once complete take note of your frame of mind and proceed to step two.

Step two entails slipping those nasty bunion riddled fungus fortresses into a lovely pair of flip-flops. It may feel strange at first with that strap between your first two toes but just like the thong underwear you dabbled in last year you’ll get used to it.

Now repeat whatever form of “walk about” you performed in part one of this assignment only this time with your knew friends Flip and Flop along for the mosey. Stop scrunching up your toes they won’t fall off if mind your speed and keep the hustle and bustle to a minimum.

Don’t fight it or you’ll end up with Flip or Flop lying lifeless behind you while your tender feet attempt to navigate the rocky road back to the scene of their spontaneous removal. They fell off for a reason, you need to slow down, you need to access your “flip-flop frame of mind” and become one with the thingy between your toes and let Flip and Flop be your guide to leisureness.

Now some activities are not safe for flip-flops, such as mowing the lawn, but strolling past the lawn mower to the hammock is a perfectly safe pursuit. I know there are also times you may feel the need to rush about and hurry, hurry, hurry and flip-flops just wouldn’t be practical. As a certified Flipflopologist I recommend you avoid those times.

Just like the above mentioned thong underwear, over time you will learn to love this form of footwear and the frame of mind it will produce. Another reason I support the flip frame of mind movement is that while wearing them you can’t sneak up on anyone, creep around in the dark, or flee the scene so flip-flops would also decrease crime rates.

Lower crime rates and decreased stress levels. What more can you ask from modest footwear?

You’ve got your assignment now go forth and flip-flop.

On August 17th through the 19th 27 riders participated in the 2nd annual “Highway 212 Gut Check.” The “Gut Check” is an endurance race across SD, via Hwy 212, to raise funds and awareness for the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America.

Participants have 48 hours to make it from the SD/WY border to the SD/MN border which is “normally” 412 miles. This year the SD Department of Transportation and Mother Nature teamed up to “dampen” the spirits of more than a few of the participants.

As fate would have it, on that very same weekend South Dakota got more rain than it had all summer, three days worth. As fate would have it, SDDOT decided it was time to replace a bridge along Highway 212 creating a 22 mile detour.

Twenty-two miles may not seem like much to the “normal” person, that’s smart enough to drive a car instead of a bicycle, but on a bike, in the rain, against the wind it adds up to about 2 extra hours of butt numbing fun.

Oh, alright it didn’t rain the entire race; the first 50 miles were dry and hot with a STRONG head wind. Then it began to sprinkle, then it began to rain, then it began to come down like the tears of a bike rider who’s trying to ride across South Dakota…against the wind.

Did I mention the wind? When I organized this event last year I checked all the available resources to find the predominant wind direction for the middle of August was from west to east. For three fateful days in August of 2007, the 17th through the 19th to be exact, the wind howled from east to west.

For those of you that don’t know and don’t care to find out a tail wind will allow a knucklehead on a bicycle to travel along leisurely at about 20 miles an hour. For those of you that don’t know and don’t care to find out a head wind will allow a knucklehead on a bicycle to travel along painfully at about 12 miles an hour.

When I crawled out of bed and gimped down the stairs on Monday August 20th I looked out the window to see my fickle old friend the West wind back from his three day hiatus. If you could kick the wind I know right where I’d kick it.

Jay Stevens, formerly of Lignite, also participated in the event. His sister Terri and Joyce (formerly Morgel) of Portal came from Bismarck to be his SAG. My wife and kids accompanied me as my SAG. SAG stands for Support And Guidance and Jay and myself had and needed plenty of both.

Seventy-five miles into the race at Mudd Butte SD, in the dark, in the rain, in the wind, in the lightening, Jay and myself decided to form the Mudd Butte Leapfrog Team A.K.A The Mudd Butte Merger. From that point on one of us would ride about 10 miles while the other dined and rested in the dry warmth of one of our SAG wagons and then switch.

The Mudd Butte Leapfrog Team, a rocket scientist and a college professor, made it about 300 miles before our backsides told are brains to knock it off.

Of the 27 riders, 19 were in the solo division, and of those 19 three finished the race. The rest of us tried, and most plan on trying it again next year. Trying and failing is much more gratifying than not trying at all. All in all we raised about $4,600.00 for the CCFA. Jay raised over a thousand himself, and found himself a permanent place on the Mudd Butte Leapfrog Team.

Thank you to all that donated to the cause and helped spread the word about the event. I was very pleased going from 4 participants in 2006 to 27 this year. For more information on this years “Gut Check” visit: <sdata.national.edu/GutCheck2…>

Dust off your bike and get it and yourself ready for next year. The Mudd Butte Leapfrog Team is currently accepting members.

For those of you keeping tabs on my cabin building progress, or lack there of, I’m happy to report that it has a roof on it now. Well it did when we left but that was two weeks ago so it may just be a pile of warped lumber, bent nails, and stripped screws by now, which wouldn’t be much of a surprise since that’s what we started with.

Just to catch you up to speed me and a good friend of mine, Paul Richter, were granted permission about five years ago from our lovely wives, for reasons unknown to us at the time, to buy 22 acres in the Bull Mountains of Montana. The Bull Mountains are located about 30 miles north of Billings and we’ve been attempting to build a log cabin up there for a few years now.

An authentic, we pealed the logs and hacked them up with a chain saw, log cabin. It’s been a mostly enjoyable project, with intermittent bouts of, “Why am I doing this?” sprinkled about.

Paul and myself found out a few things about ourselves and each other during our roof raising expedition. No not that Paul enjoys wearing women’s shoes and singing Barbara Streisand hit’s while doing carpentry work. That I already knew, what I didn’t know was that he’s a terrible carpenter, and he can’t carry a tune in a rusty nail bucket.

I knew I had a few gaps in my carpentry repertoire and I was counting on him to fill those gaps. As it turns out we have the same gaps, not as many as our roof, but close. After the first full days work on the roof we were sitting back admiring, or sulking, over our craftsmanship when I said, “That doesn’t look like a full days work.” To which Paul replied, “Yeah, looks like about two hours of work.”

Two hours for someone that didn’t spend high school shop class building spice racks and shoddy shelves. Two hours for someone that realizes that jerryrigging one screw up will only lead to more advanced jerryrigging on a bigger screw up caused by the first jerryrigging. Jerryrigging is a viscous cycle in the construction of roof by two educated idiots.

My wife tried to comfort our battered, splintered, and bent nail ego’s by telling us that it looked great and we were doing a fine job. However, I was suspicious of her sincerity after her and the kids burst into laughter shortly after she said it. It wasn’t so much the laughing it was the finger pointing that really hurt.

The Environmental Protection Agency wanting to use our cabin as a poster boy to stop logging didn’t do much for our confidence either. Jesus was a carpenter, but if he had a hand in this cabin his Father would have sent a natural disaster to rid it from the earth.

When our lack of carpentry skills became more and more apparent Paul and myself just kept muttering to one another, “It’s just a cabin.” That phrase became our mantra whenever something wasn’t level or square. Yes we said it a lot. Half way through the roof building project the level and square were banished for insubordination.

We established early on that nobody with any carpentry skills or anybody that has ever been near something built by a carpenter is allowed within 300 feet of our cabin unless they sign a waiver stating that they will not point, laugh, snicker, raise eyebrows, or make any mention of the words level and/or square. You are not allowed to view the cabin during daylight hours or under the light of any moon greater than a crescent.

If you do solemnly swear to the above limitation you will be granted permission to view and use the cabin. There’s a lot of lumber in that roof, heavy lumber, topped of with steel roofing, steel with sharp jagged edges.

If you need anything I’ll be sleeping outside in my tent.