My wife informed me that the Mega Millions Lottery had climbed pretty high the other day, and that if I was feeling lucky, I should buy a ticket or two. I’m lucky enough to “feel lucky” most every day, not the winning the lottery sort of lucky, but the sort of lucky that feels like contentment. Content with life, yet curious enough to tinker with it a bit while tinkering remains an ability within my possession.

I don’t pay much attention to the lottery. It’s not that I feel as though I’m above such things, I just have a very large blind spot for numbers (arithmophobia), so I was oblivious to the dollar amount “pretty high” was in reference to. Also, since my wife only requests me to buy a lottery ticket once every decade or so, I don’t know the socially agreed upon lottery ticket purchasing lingo or procedure, so I feel like an idiot when I go up to the counter to purchase the ticket.

“Ahhh…I’m supposed to buy a lottery ticket. Can I do that here?” I feel like an idiot, because the person behind the counter looks at me the same way I look at people when the words “what an idiot” go traipsing through my consciousness. “There’s no such thing as a dumb question.” What an idiotic thing to say. I’ve been teaching for over 20-years, there is most definitely such a thing as a dumb question. Mostly in faculty meetings. So it goes.

“Yeah, you can buy lottery tickets here. Which one do you want?” Which one do I want? That’s a dumb question, I want the winning one. “Ahhh…the one that my wife said was pretty high.” There’s that look again. “That would be the Mega Million. Do you want a quick pick?” As I ponder what a “quick pick” might be (we had quick pick plays in baseball), I see that look again on the attendance face, and on the faces of those accumulating in the line behind me.

“Do you want a megaplier?” I think my grandpa had a megaplier for fencing, or was that Hacksaw Jim Duggans signature move?

I don’t know if I got his “quick pick” or “megaplier” stuff, but his questions mercifully ceased, and I left with two tickets. Two tickets that prompted the question, “If I won the lottery, what would I do?” It also prompted the question, “How do I know if I won the lottery?”

I’d ask the guy behind the counter, but the lady with purple bouffant hair behind me in line clutching the can of Easy Cheese and a bouquet of licorice whips, looks menacingly at me as I approach the counter, so I retreat. I’ll just Google it.

Speaking for myself, I think the best use of such a pile of money would be the ability to buy time by not being obligated to have to do the tasks that take time day after day, but don’t replace the time taken with much.  Such things like cooking, sock darning, shopping, cleaning, laundry, bikini waxing, oil changes, and other general errands, could be outsourced to a well-paid personal assistant. Perhaps Alice, from The Brady Bunch, or Alfred from Batman?

What would I do with the time Alice, Alfred, and the pile of money helped us acquire? My wife probably has a more sensible plan, but I would read, write, and play guitar more, roam around the world untethered from the chores of domestication, and make it my personal mission to take “farting around” to an unprecedented level. Basically, a megaplier of my current preferred existence.

I’d also like to help others buy the time they desire. No strings attached. No questions asked. Instant life megaplier. I’ve heard that many people that win a pile of money end up wishing they hadn’t, so it might be kind of fun to see how each of these “experiments” turns out?

I’m sure piles of money can knock things sideways in life if you’re not vigilant and sensible, but I’m quite positive that the massive sums of money I would disperse to a vast network of eccentric musical type folks to go out among the masses and lead singalongs would be a sensible use of a large portion of the pile of money. Singalongs make people happy. Booze helps too.

Perhaps I’ll entrust my wife with the “vigilant and sensible” portion of our new megaplied life?

Travel, music, reading, writing and time, that is what I’m going to buy when we win the lottery. The guy behind the counter should arrive with our pile of money any day now.

Maybe you won? What would you do with a megaplied life?