Another year has teetered and tipped into the abyss of the past, but worry not my friends, the abyss of the future stretches before you. How far does your future stretch? How should I know? I’m not a certified astrologist, and if I was, the going rate for such information would run you about $150.00 an hour.

I actually didn’t know there was such a thing as a “certified astrologist” until I decided to do some investigating to make sure I gave you accurate information on the hourly rates. All these years I was under the impression that anyone with half a brain could dole out useless information, but it turns out that the owner of that half a brain has to be certified.

Well, they don’t have to be certified, but setting out to face an uncertified 4-star day is risky, and not recommended by the Organization for Professional Astrology or the Astrology News Service (yes they exist). What if your willy-nilly uncertified 4-star day would have been astutely deemed a mere 1-star day by an actual certified astrologist? Rather than sequestering yourself within the friendly confines of your home, with your tinfoil hat strapped securely on, you unwittingly venture out into a certified 1-star day brimming with uncertified 4-star confidence.

You run a few red lights and blatantly jaywalk your way over to a convenience store to purchase your 4-star day lottery tickets, and roll the dice on a gas station burrito. What could go wrong? 4-star day all day baby! Well thanks to your uncertified astrological reading you have a couple certified traffic tickets, a certified case of the trots, and someone else won the 3.5 billion dollar lotto jackpot. Someone that most likely had a certified 4-star day. A sad tale indeed.

How far does your future stretch? For the most part that’s a certified crap-shoot. There are things you can do that might nudge the odds in your favor during your quest to stretch your future a bit further. Respecting chainsaws, wild animals, and women is a good place to start. Maybe a better question is how deep does your future go? What resistance is holding you back?

Sure it’s fun, and relatively easy, bobbing around, splashing and giggling on the surface for a while, but maybe this year calls for a change of pace. Maybe this is the year we toss off the water wings, take a deep breath, and dive a little deeper into life. Dive deep and really get to know those we care about, and let them know the depth they bring to our lives. That is within our control. That we can do if we so choose.

Nobody, certified or not, can grant you a 4-star day, but you are more than qualified to go get one on your own, and if you manage to go get one-after-another you will most likely have a certifiably good year.

I’ll wave the $150/hr this one time, and hazard an uncertified proclamation, that as of this very moment, I am quite confident that your future has stretched to this very moment, the present. Regarding that present, in the words of Grandpa Art in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, “Are you going to bawl all over it, or are you gonna open it?”

Happy New Year my friends.