Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, we are more than half-way through the first month of the New Year. There are those among us that seem to thrive on the constant acquisition of varying levels of guilt through the act of doing, or not doing, things they have been told they should, or should not, be doing. January is a banner month for such guilt. One way to avoid this guilt is to assume that those telling you what you should or should not be doing are generally acting in their own best interest, not yours.

The seeds of guilt originated with them, and were given to you. As the saying goes, “it is better to give than to receive”, but like a collect call we have the option of not accepting and leaving them with a busy signal. Assertively wielding one, or both, of your middle fingers in the direction of the guilt peddler is also a quiet and effective way to say, “Thanks, but no thanks, you keep it.”

I don’t watch much TV, commercials irritate me too much, and it is many of those commercials that are covertly peddling guilt to the masses. Do they want you to order their “new and improved” weight-loss pills because they have genuine concern for the health and well-being of all the citizens peering at the visually appealing physiques of the models they’ve hired to saunter around and hit beach balls? Judging from the commercials I have managed to endure, when people rid themselves of excess body weight, baldness, or toe fungus they have an urge to frolic about with beach balls.

Even when I had a full head of hair, I didn’t find playfully whacking beach balls around to be all that engaging of an activity. Due to their size and lack of weight, the wind plays havoc on them and you can’t throw them hard enough to raise a welt on anyone. About all their really good for is a floatation device, but seeing how “This Is Not To Be Used As A Floatation Device” is clearly stamped on it, you may feel guilty using it as such. Some may believe it better to drown guilt-free than to survive by means disapproved of by the writing on an otherwise useless object, don’t go boating with those people.

If guilt makes you a better person, a more productive member of society, and rids you of toe fungus, then by all means, soak it up. The masses are generally happy about the better self you’re parading around, but keep in mind that not all of us have toe fungus, and some of us that do really don’t care, and if we did care we would take care of it ourselves.

So yes, guilt can be useful in keeping us on the straight and narrow, but generally we have to divert from the straight and narrow a time or two to develop a reminder to ourselves that, “If I eat that pillowcase full of brownies I’m going to feel guilty and I won’t be able to fully enjoy my new beach ball this summer.”

Although, maybe you resolved to eat a pillowcase full of brownies each week this year, because you happen to really like brownies, and it’s your grandma’s old recipe, and you get to think of her with every single bite. In that case, enjoy, and return the beach ball to the bald guy with the toe fungus that sold it to you.