Happy New Year to you aficionados of the news and noteworthy goings-on in Burke County. Despite the blatant newslessness (not a real word) and noteworthylessness (also not a real word) blathered about in this column I would like to thank you for swinging by from time to time for a gander…or a goose if you prefer. Without the reader the writer is as useless as a New Year’s resolution or a dog that will fit in your shirt pocket.

Canine condensing specialists are probably already set to overtake the fashion and infomercial world with such a critter. “Why wear a drab old pocket square? Be the envy of all…the talk of the ball! Get the all new Pocket Square Pooch. Is it a corsage you need? Flowers are so fuddy-duddy. A Kitty Corsage…now that’s purrrrfect.” You heard it here first.

New Year’s resolutions are abound this time of year and bound to fail sometime soon…real soon. If someone asks you what your New Year’s resolution is just say, “I resolved not to slug nosy people in the ear but I’m about to break it.” Or maybe, “I resolved to stop peering into your bedroom window late at night and watching you sleep.” Choose the route most likely to successfully set you free from the shackles of the conversation.

Some shackles are harder to shake than others. Which always makes me wonder…who of my acquaintances sees me coming their way while out and about and thinks, “ah crap” as they quickly look for a potted plant or passed out hobo to hide behind? We’re all bound to rub a few people the wrong way and possibly be the bore whose blab they seek to avoid. The Irish writer and poet, Oscar Wilde, once said, “A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” Perfect.

Speaking of those that deprive you of solitude…I hope you all had a very merry Christmas. We had an enjoyable time in Lignite and got to deprive my parents of solitude for a solid week. Like a bout of influenza Christmas left them sleep deprived and low on toilet paper…tis the season.

We were pleasantly surprised by the mild weather that greeted us early on in the week but then temperatures plunged well below the donut to remind us not to overstay our welcome. When I tell people where I’m from the initial response is almost always, “Ooh…I bet it gets cold up there.” Yes…yes it does. Painfully so.

While I was loading our Christmas bounty into the pickup and preparing to flee south in search of positive temperature readings I slipped on the same patch of ice twice. Both times I managed to save myself from hitting the tundra by vigorously waving and flapping my arms while cursing loudly. Loud enough that my Mom asked who I was talking to out in the driveway. I explained, and like any well-seasoned North Dakotan, she completely understood and approved of the technique I had employed to remain upright.

Friends…family…influenza…May 2015 bring you all that you deserve.