Computers and the World Wide Web make our lives easier in many ways. For instance, I can pay bills without having to find an envelope, track down a stamp, write a check, stuff the envelope, lick the envelope (tasty), walk all the way to the end of the driveway, put the envelope in the mail box, raise the little flag, and walk all the way back to the house (it’s uphill).

That entire exhausting rigmarole takes an excruciating three minutes. Three and a half if I step in something unsavory on my way to or from the mailbox or get chased by the neighbor kid (he’s odd).

Oh no, none of that nonsense for me thank you very much. I’ll just flip open my laptop lid, realize the batteries dead, track down the cord, plug it in, wait for it to start up, find out the internet service isn’t working, reset the modem, try and find the 241 digit security code to reconnect to the modem, log onto the internet, curse at a few hundred popups, find the bill pay website, forget bill pay website username and password, answer 38 security questions to prove to me that I’m me, wait for email to reset password, reset password, login to bill pay site, attempt to login to bill pay site, login in after 17 failed attempts, and pay the bill.

That entire effortless convenience of modern technology takes a mere six hours. Six and a half if I have to call the police on the neighbor kid.

Since the smartphoneectomy I underwent over a month ago I’ve started to appreciate the joys of past inconveniences. I have a cell phone but it’s only good for calling and texting. Remember those dusty old relics? If you see me sitting and poking around on my phone nowadays you can rest assured that I’m not looking up fun facts on Google I just don’t want to talk to you. It’s not true…we can’t all be friends…no matter what Facebook says.

In class the other day I was chit chatting with my students about Facebook friends, because chit chatting is my job and the only thing my students and I have in common is access to and knowledge of Facebook. Through some intellectual fact gathering and statistical analysis we came to the conclusion that 400 Facebook friends is roughly equivalent to ½ an actual friend.

Some bored (or boring) statistician determined that over the past 10 to 15 years the average American has went from having 3 good friends to 1.5 good friends. We have all lost a friend-and-a-half somewhere along the way since the turn of the century. Either that or we still have three friends but they only like us half as much.

Is the half a friend a wee friend on the short side of tall or a friend who likes you half the time? The bored (or boring) statistician didn’t clarify those points as they generally aren’t much interested in things of interest.

Can your 1.5 friends take turns being the ½ a friend? “He borrowed my favorite sweater and stretched the neck hole out with his oversized head…I get to be the ½ friend for a few weeks.” “Oh, okay I’ll be the full friend…but only for a few weeks…he still hasn’t replaced the bag of pixy stix and wax lips he took from my pantry when he baby sat my cat last weekend.”

I’d like to think I have several full friends. I like to think a lot of things. Who’s your ½ friend?