My name is Josh and I have been cell phone free for three days. I quit cold turkey, as quitters sometimes say to emphasis their iron will and strange disdain for tepid poultry. I prefer cold turkey, especially during these dog days of summer when creating hot turkey would turn your home into a sweat lodge. Besides any turkey left to linger into August is most likely some sort of degenerate wayward bird not worth the gravy you lace it with.

The shunning of the smart alec phone is in no way a show of my iron will, although I am able to fully commit to things stranger and more difficult than unhinging myself from the tether that has tied me to the new world order of communication, connectivity, and Google for so long. Without the all-knowing Google at my beckon call I have been forced to simply wonder and ponder how many different dogs played Lassie and other such questions that perpetually haunt humanity.

It has been a quiet three days with no intrusive pings, dings, or rattles vying for my immediate and constant attention. The side effects of the iPhonectomy have been minimal thus far. Very little discomfort, no uncontrollable bowel issues or persistent longing for screen tapping. There have been a few phantom vibrations in my pants pocket but my doctor has assured me they are unrelated to prolonged cell phone exposure…the nurse giggled…I blushed…so it goes.

The reason behind this cold turkey episode was that one of the perks of my job was that my employer supplied me with a cell phone so they could be sure to have access to me whenever and wherever my person may be at any given time. That particular employer is no longer employing me as I have moved on to what I hope to be greener, lusher, and much more intellectually stimulating pastures. As is the nature of pastures cell phones are not standard issue. They spook the cattle.

No, I’m not going to work on a ranch, Wranglers make me talk funny and flip-flops create anxiety amongst hens which negatively effects their egg production. Chadron State College was kind enough to bring me on board and hand me the keys to a classroom full of unsuspecting and highly impressionable college students. No cell phone required.

So far being off the iLeash has been quite pleasant and has stirred a yearning for the way things were prior to all the iClutter that has inundated our lives. I admit that many of these devices bring quite a measure of convenience to our day-to-day lives but waiting for the next available customer service representative one more time may put me over the edge.

The only thing that keeps my dander down when I’m forced to call these gurus of the gadgetry is to mentally chant the mantra “I’m not them”. When I hang up it’s over for me but for them it’s the beginning of another problem solving fun fest with a shiny new knucklehead. One after another…day in and day out.

Enjoy what’s left of the summer. In a few weeks your kids will be someone else’s problem.