As a married man married to a woman there are a few phrases spoken in my general direction, by the previously alluded to wife, that almost always elicit an internal cringe and an external expressionless stare. An expressionless stare that will hold for as long it takes the phrase to rattle around in my head and create an entire made for T.V. movie with a bad beginning spiraling into a dismal ending.

The movie begins with my wife striking up a conversation with a female coworker where they learn that they both love Hallmark holiday movies, Dwight Yoakam, tiramisu, and Audrey Hepburn. As misfortune would have it this female coworker is married to a man who by some stretch of the imaginations of females hopped up on thoughts of tiramisu being served to them on Dwight Yoakam’s guitar should be my new best friend.

Scene two is my wife walking into our bedroom as I’m curled up in my favorite beanbag unwinding in my salmon colored velour jumpsuit, sipping a Zima, smoking my pipe, and writing poetry on triscuits with ez cheese. She eats verse three, washes it down with a swallow of Zima, and says, “I was chatting with Elvira at work today and it turns out we have absolutely everything in common. You’ll have to meet her husband you two would get along great.”

“You’ll have to meet her husband…” The camera zooms in to reveal a blanket of blankness rolling down my face, a partially chewed triscuit sits anxiously in my mouth waiting for me to regain facial control, as my mind races in slow motion.

Early on in our marriage you would have heard me say, “Sure, sounds good.” It’s not early on in our marriage anymore and now you will hear me grunt, “Hm” as the ez cheese runs amuck from my clenched hand. Actually it’s been quite some time since my wife has suggested that myself and one of her friend’s husbands would be inseparable buddies.

Yes, I do believe she’s given up on the possibility of fixing me up with a bosom buddy or perhaps she’s realized that if she wants to keep her friend it might be best to keep her friends husband quarantined from me.

It’s not that I don’t like people. People are good. I have friends that are people. Not lots of them but enough for me. If one of my friends should have an unfortunate carnival ride accident or get kicked into permanent submission by an angry bovine then I will entertain the prospect of bringing a new buddy on board but as of now they need not apply. There’s no room in this cartoon for another character but I’ll keep your resume on file for future openings.

What questions would you ask during an interview of a potential buddy? Before I asked any questions I would make one simple request…make me laugh. Make me laugh so hard that I regret not wearing dark pants. If you can accomplish that one task I’ll freshen up and we’ll begin the interview.

”What are your thoughts on clowns and mimes?”, “Do you prefer to act your age or your shoe size?”, “What songs do you sing in the shower?”, “Do you consider flatulence a form of entertainment?”, “If you could pick one trick to teach an old dog what would it be?” In conclusion, have you come to this interview of your own free will with complete absents of coercion from well-meaning females resembling our wives?

Thank you for your time…I’ll be in touch.