The crepe paper and streamer stringing season is upon us and teenagers everywhere are preparing to navigate the high school prom rite of passage. A rite of passage that will leave indelible memories and a cornucopia of bunions, blisters, and calluses in its wake. The feet will begin to heal as soon as you slip off those not-so-sensible heels or plastic tux shoes but the memories are there for the long haul so plan accordingly.

This year my daughter Sierra gets her first go at the prom and has been marching around the house in her prom shoes the past week or so to get the hang of having her heals elevated to an unsafe level. As apples don’t fall far from trees I have photographic evidence of my son in my daughters heels as well. Disturbingly enough he moves quite gracefully in them.

My daughter and a bunch of her friends are going stag. Can you call it “going stag” if you’re going with a group? “Group of Stags”…sounds like a band name. Whatever you call it I’m sure they will have a great time and dear old dad’s ulcer will rest easy knowing his daughter is spending the evening with sensible young women rather than a senseless boy caught in the grips of spring fever. Boys are overrated and more than a little gassy, goofy, and obnoxious anyway so it’s best to leave them to their own devices.

As your reading this your mind has probably inadvertently drifted back to your prom experience or lack thereof. Just to clarify…I am in no way legally responsible for any ill effects or psychotic episodes your drifting mind has created.

I can remember standing on the top step of a rickety ladder trying to loop hundreds of yards of streamers over wire in the gym in an attempt to create the illusion of a ritzy glitzy gala. The top step that says in bold letters “THIS IS NOT A STEP DUMMY” trembled beneath my loafers and tight rolled jeans as I tottered high above the unforgiving gym floor.

If I remember right (I seldom do) I was adamant that only girls hold the later while I risked life and mullet beautifying the gymnasium. Gassy, goofy, and obnoxious were not the qualities I was in search of for this particular job. Never in my life have I seen a female jokingly shake a ladder while someone is perilously perched on top of it. Never in my life have I seen a male pass up the chance to shake a ladder with a pal standing on the dummy step. So it goes.

The only time a male might pass on the opportunity to shake a ladder he’s supposed to be holding securely is when it’s his father dangling above him cursing at the storm window he’s attempting to free from 6 layers of paint. Oh it’ll cross our mind…more than once…but “thou shalt not shake thy father’s ladder” is a commandment that is in our best interest to obey.

Hold it steady and have a lovely prom season with or without gassy, goofy, and obnoxious.