The other morning, a morning not unlike any other morning, I was standing at my post gazing out the picture window drinking my coffee and wondering why mornings have to be so early. I wasn’t gazing at anything in particular I’ve just found that it’s less awkward for everyone if I gaze out the window rather than at the ceiling, newel post, or ottoman. Looking out a window as a majestic winter morning unfolds at least offers the illusion of thoughtful pondering while I think of nothing.

On this particular morning my thoughts of nothing were interrupted by a squirrel scampering down the sidewalk in front of our house. Nothing unusual, I’ve seen a squirrel before, except for this squirrel was followed by four more squirrels.

It may have been my imagination but I swear I saw sparks flying from what appeared to be metal sword scabbards as this rogue bunch brazenly squirrel strutted by my picture window. A slight pang of fear washed over me as the last one in line stopped directly in front of me, rose up on its hind legs, and starred right at me with a smug little smirk on his fuzzy face. If my memory serves me he was wearing an eye patch and a beret.

They’ve organized I thought, I’ve seen this before with the Planet of the Apes and it doesn’t end well for the humans. We at least share a common ancestry with the apes so they are more apt to extend a bit of humanity towards us in a takeover but I don’t trust these squirrels to be as civil in their treatment of humans. We put that corn cob on a stick that spins around when the squirrels try and eat it and we sit and giggle and point and post videos on YouTube while they get vertigo. Who’s laughing now?

I went to the computer to see if there was any breaking news regarding similar occurrences in other neighborhoods regarding a malicious squirrel coup d’état. Nothing. Either they’ve managed not to arouse suspicion or all the 24 hour news companies have already been taken over and will be forced to show non-stop reruns of the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. The moose must have seen this coming; he was smart to endear himself to the squirrel. Poor Boris and Natasha what will become of them in a squirrel society? The thought makes me shudder.

Taking a cue from the moose I assemble a combination platter of nuts to set forth as an offer of peace. Smokehouse almonds, peanuts (salted and unsalted in case some of them are watching their blood pressure), macadamia, and peanut butter for those with bad teeth or braces. If you can picture a squirrel with braces without the slightest hint of mirth or merriment crossing your face you either have more self-control than me or you’ve suffered fewer concussions.

It is with great relief that I am able to report that the squirrel with the eye patch has graciously accepted my platter of peace and my sincere promise to create higher paying jobs and better health care for all squirrels. With a courteous tip of his beret and a creepy little paw handshake we move forward towards a better tomorrow, a tomorrow where squirrels and humans live in harmony. You my friend can put away your worries. All is well…for now.