My Mom has always had a nose for important breaking news, in this case breaking wind. Somehow the news story regarding a federal worker receiving a formal reprimand for excessive flatulence in the workplace silently slipped by me undetected. Thankfully my Mom pointed it out. I laughed, I cried, and yes I farted.

If you fancy yourself to be of the serious sort and lack the patients to tolerate the childish immaturities of a middle-aged man I would advise you to stop reading. You’ve been warned.

The charges levied against this intestinally active individual in the official reprimand were, “Conduct Unbecoming a Federal Employee” and “creating a hostile work environment”. A coworker went so far as to document the winds of change in a log book noting the date and time of each malodor melody.

According to these “Methane Memoirs” which are rumored to have been adopted into a screenplay that will stink less than a Nicholas Sparks movie, Count Die Ferz had a banner day on September 12, 2012 putting nine in the books (three between 2:42 and 2:54).

Nine? During an eight hour work day? This guy made national news? He’s an amateur. I use an even dozen to keep a steady beat while I brush my teeth…three times a day…four if some carney suckers me into a caramel apple with nuts. Carneys and caramel apples, such temptation has been the bane of man from the beginning. Nine…pathetic. Eat a box of Grape Nuts and come back when you got game junior.

In my extensive research on this subject I uncovered some very interesting fartnotes…ah I mean footnotes regarding one of the oldest words in the English vocabulary. Benjamin Franklin once wrote an essay to the Royal Academy urging and suggesting the scientific study of flatulence. A suggestion that some Chinese holistic healers have taken seriously with claims that the nuances of a person’s expelling odor can be used to detect diseases by individuals specifically trained to sniff out such issues. “Hmm…the scent of pack rats wrestling on a block of muenster cheese. You sir have rickets and gout.”

Out of concern for his fellow Roman’s health, the Emperor Claudius very astutely passed a law legalizing the release of gas at banquets. My guess is this law was not about his concern for others but more of an elaborate ruse to give old Claudius some cover for his own toga tremblers. Another Roman Emperor, Elagabulus, is credited with the use of whoopee cushions at his banquet hall gatherings. Those zany Romans.

Do you think you have what it takes to go pro in the flatulence field? I’m not in the business of dashing people’s dreams but only two people have had the moxie to cut it as performing flatulist, Le Petomane and Mr. Methane. Le Petomane performed in the 19th Century but as luck would have it Mr. Methane is still actively entertaining the masses with his gift. DVDs, books, and a Christmas Album are available on his website. Gifts that keep giving.

New Year’s Resolution to be a mature professional meets with failure once again.