As a self-imposed penance or a feeble attempt at righting a cosmic wrong for the sake of my karmic righteousness I took up the hobby of substitute teaching in the Rapid City school district this year. For the handsome sum of $65 I am called upon to show up at a moment’s notice to academically woo and dazzle the eager teenagers of Rapid City’s fine public schools.

If you are the type of individual that doesn’t enjoy flying by the seat of your pants (never really understood that phrase) and you experience acute bouts of nausea, nervousness, and nystagmus when faced with the unknown then substitute teaching may not be the optimal way for you to spend your free time. I’ll admit I was as nervous as long tail cat in room full of rocking chairs my first sub gig but came away from the experience ready and willing for another go round.

Momma always said substitute teaching was like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get. When the students roll in and take their seats they could be likened to a box of chocolates only some of them are turds masquerading as sweet chocolates. As a former classroom turd the ruse of the unruly is shroud I am quite adept at seeing through.

I would like to think I was better than these amateurs when it came to pulling the wool over the teachers eye’s but I now know that sometimes it’s more productive for a teacher to ignore a knucklehead than to stall the groups forward academic progress by stopping to acknowledge and address the behavior. As long as the wool is pulled over my eye’s quietly and non-disruptedly I’ll let it slide for awhile. Since I may only have the student for an hour, like a grandparent, I can let them fill their pants and hand them back to the teacher for changing.

The first tipoff to trouble is an overly enthusiastic smile followed by, “Oooh we have a sub today!” That kid just made the list. It also makes it easier to accept the bad behavior knowing that on some level I deserve to be on the other end of it. I know it may be hard to believe but I wasn’t the most attentive student so when a kid is irritating me I think of the teachers I probably irritated and I hope the years have diminished their urge to choke me.

Knowing that a teacher quietly sat at their desk fantasizing about several shelves of heavy textbooks collapsing on my smirking teenage face really makes me feel bad about my behavior back then. I wasn’t doing myself or my fellow classmates any good by being a constant unabashed wisenheimer and for that I am truly sorry. Sorry for having so much fun at another’s expense is an odd sort of sorry.

So until I feel I have evened out the balance of the cosmic karma scale that tilts so unevenly from my turdly teenage behavior I will continue righting my wrongs and answering the call to substitute teach.