I have a confession to make. Back in April I wrote a column explaining my brother Jarvis and my botched garden burglary and apprehension by the disgruntled garden owner. Well it seems I left out some minor details that went along with that story. Details that my Grandpa Ardell finds entertaining and you might find disturbing.

Our dear mother entered a plea bargain with the plaintiff, Mr. Lein, exchanging hard time in the Burke County Jail with waiting until our father got home. This seemed to please the plaintiff and he gave us a few last minute warnings to stifle any repeat performances and went on his way leaving us in the custody of our mother. Jarvis and I were relieved that we weren’t going to the pokey. Do you know what they do to vegetable thieves in there?

The above mentioned, dear mother, then turned to the defendants and told us through clenched teeth to get up to our room and not come down under any circumstances until she said so. She said it such manner that it didn’t need repeating or explaining, just doing, and we did. We hastily made our way upstairs to our room to await the 6 o’clock whistle that would announce the arrival of the judge.

While we contemplated our fate upstairs mom was probably contemplating her past and wondering what she had done to deserve two village idiots in her house. It’s not her fault, she did her best to steer us right, but Grandpa laughed when we went wrong, and we always like to hear him laugh. So for argument sake we’ll blame it on him.

It was probably about 2 o’clock when our incarceration began so we had about 4 hours to mill around our room and think about what we had done. I don’t know if it was the thinking, the milling around or the fact that I had recently eaten my weight in freshly stolen vegetables, but nature was calling. Calling urgently and denying adamantly my request to put it on hold.

I started towards the door with focused tense strides fearing what any amount of muscle relaxation may produce when Jarvis reminded me of the mood we had left mom in. He also reminded me that she had told us not to come down “under any circumstances”. I had a circumstance that I thought warranted a brief sabbatical from our room. Did she mean these “circumstances”? Were there exceptions in place for these “circumstances”? So many questions so little time.

Jarvis was right, we were pretty high up on the wrong list and in no position to barter with the warden, so I did what any industrious, intelligent young man would do. Utilized available resources.

A short while later mom came up to see if we had learned our lesson, but something interrupted her train of thought. Something about the garbage can and a discarded sock seemed to be troubling her. She asked what happened, and Jarvis hoping to gain favor with the warden, promptly filled her in from his perch by the open window.

I think at that moment I saw her eye twitch a few times as she valiantly fought off an aneurism brought about by the realization that her eldest son may have to be institutionalized. I don’t remember her being mad, more confused, and most likely nauseous. She just told me to take out the garbage and never under any circumstances tell anyone that I am her son. Love you mom, Happy Birthday.

Well there you have it. The rest of the story….good day.