How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m trying to grow my hair out.”? It always puzzled me because I never realized you have to “try” I had always just assumed it was something that happened without much assistance. Maybe that’s why my hair isn’t as thick and luxurious as it once was. It just got tired of doing all the work.

My hair may have been overheard muttering, “We’re busting our follicles up here night and day so he can parade around in his precious mullet and he doesn’t even try to help.” Disgruntled and more than a little miffed it decided to show its power and make me take notice of it by migrating from where I would prefer it reside to less desirable areas.

Maybe it’s not as easy as one would think. I guess I was wrong to think that all you have to do to try and grow your hair out was not cut it. I would see someone that had informed me two weeks earlier that they were trying to grow their hair out with an obvious hair cut and I would ask them, “I thought you trying to grow your hair out?” To which they would reply, “I am but I got it cut.” Then I say, “Well your not trying very hard then are you?”

The reply to this line of question is, “It grows faster if you cut it.” To which I reply, “But it grows from the roots not the ends, so how does cutting the ends make the roots grow faster?” To which they reply, “Shut up.”

I have an aunt that’s upstate ND’s premiere hair dresser, I suppose I could ask her, but it’s probably something they aren’t allowed to discuss. A dirty little secret of the beauty salon world that I’ve stumbled onto. Susie might get roughed up by the “Big Bouffant” if I don’t stop nosing around and asking questions.

For those that don’t know, I’ve been doing a little research and the “Big Bouffant” is the head of the beauty operators union. She has total control over every beauty operator in the lower 48, parts of Haiti, and one Canadian province (not sure which one). All hair styles are under her jurisdiction and if we mess with her she will send us back to the mullet and bangs day’s without a tinge of remorse.

All this digging around and asking questions isn’t without danger, she threatened me personally with a pompadour. I assured her that I would end my crusade and spread the word that cutting your hair makes it grow faster.

It’s been just about 15 years to the day that I reluctantly had my mullet amputated. Maybe it’s time to give it another shot, except this time around I’ll try really hard. I’ll get my hair cut every week so it grows nice and long.

Next time you see me I’ll look like Neil Diamond, hair and rhinestones…..Sweeeeet Caroline..Da..Da..Daaa….