I hope the 4th of July celebrations left all of your digits intact, no eye patches, no roman candle flesh wounds. When I think back it amazes me that fireworks never left me with any permanent reminders of my hazardous behavior. Bottle rocket wars inparticular.

Disclaimer: The following information is strictly for entertainment purposes and should only be attempted by trained professionals or complete idiots.

We used to put a lot of effort into making an accurate bottle rocket launcher. Striving for one that would make your buddies cringe and put an extra coat on in anticipation of your precise fury of gunpowder charged Chinese newspaper on a stick.

The most popular material to construct a handheld bottle rocket launcher out of was 1 inch PVC pipe. Other diameters will due in a pinch, but experience has shown me that 1 inch will deliver your rocket accurately to its target at much higher success rate. A not so good choice is copper tubing or any type of metal pipe, unless of course you’re wearing a pair of oven mitts.

As for musical instruments a trumpet works pretty good, bugles are to short, harmonicas are excruciating, and the flute, well, it had better be your sisters. One major design flaw that I’ve seen reduce many kids arm hair to stubble is not closing off one end of the tube. Seems logical, but you can’t expect much from kids that shoot explosives at each other.

The truth is people rarely get hit in bottle rocket wars. Unless you’re my brother Jarvis. I remember it like it was yesterday; he had another kid in his sights and apparently has very poor peripheral vision, because he didn’t notice me frantically loading a bottle rocket 20 feet to his left.

The peripheral vision problem could be associated with the baseball that ‘someone’ hit him with or the hockey stick that ‘someone’ accidentally whacked him with. That ‘someone’ shall remain nameless pending further investigation into the ‘alleged’ events.

So there he was, I could hardly light the fuse I was so excited, but somehow I managed. Fuse is lit, bottle rocket slides down tube, bottle rocket comes out of tube, hits brother right in the face. Not only did it hit him, it exploded at the exact time it made contact with his cheek. What a shot! Hey where’s he going? I do believe he’s running home clutching his cheek to tell mom ‘someone’ shot him with a bottle rocket.

Concerned for his wellbeing I decide to test his hearing and reflexes by yelling and shooting another bottle rocket at him as he ran away. Both work fine as he avoids a second hit. If he would quit holding his cheek it would be easier to make out the pleasantries he’s yelling my way. Wait till mom finds out what I think he called me.

I’m not sure where we learned this behavior, but there is a gentleman and his lovely wife that celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary on July 3rd that might have something to do with it. The gentleman, not the lovely wife, she’s innocent, he’s not.

Happy anniversary Grandpa and Grandma.