Why is that when you get a burger of some sort at any fast food restaurant it always looks like someone fell on it in the kitchen? I’ve never had the pleasure of working in a fast food restaurant but how hard can it be to place the burger and all its fixings between two pieces of bread in a quasi presentable manner?

I remember my first time in a fast food restaurant; I believe the year was 1982. I was ten years old and spending a few days with my cousin Jamie and aunt Rosalin in Minot. It took some coaxing to get my Mom to continue on into Minot past the Boys Ranch, but I promised I would change my ways and be nice to my brother and stop wearing her dresses. What did I care pant suits were becoming more in vogue anyway.

Anyway back to big city fast food in 1982. Rosalin took Jamie and myself to Hardees for lunch, I think her kitchen was haunted or something so we couldn’t eat there, no wait, that was a different house. We placed our order, stepped back, and in about 30 seconds some foil wrapped stuff came sliding down a stainless steel divider sent my some phantom hand from the back.

I couldn’t believe it! It was so, so, well, fast. I think it tasted good, I don’t know, the free race car that came with it was cool. I returned to Lignite with tales of free toys and phantom hands slinging foil wrapped food at an alarming speed. My friends were on the edge of their banana seats hanging on every word.

To this day that is how I like my fast food to arrive, yes the phantom hand from the kitchen. I don’t like to see who is preparing my food, I look up at the menu and quickly down at the cashier, blurring out the action unfolding behind them. If they’ve dropped it, kicked it, fell on it, mopped their brow with it, wore it as a yamika, I don’t care, I just would rather not know.

Let them chuckle gleefully from the kitchen, as I unwittingly eat their creation, I don’t care. My other rule of thumb at a fast food restaurant is to never lift the bun and look before eating. The same rule from above covers this; I just don’t want to know. Bite into something foreign, just swallow quickly, think happy thoughts, don’t make eye contact and continue eating.

I’ve started a grass roots effort to get legislation passed to put the “Phantom Hand Law” into affect. Every fast food restaurant would be mandated to have a nice velvet curtain obstructing the customers view from the food preparation area. If for some unknown reason you the customer would desire to see your food being prepared you would be required to sign a waiver declaring that you will not divulge any of the food prep area happenings to those of us that would rather not know.

Thank you and enjoy your dining experience.