A few weeks ago it was teacher appreciation week, and I truly do appreciate all the teachers that made an attempt to educate me. This column of appreciation is a few weeks late, not unlike most of my school work was. For some reason nowadays whenever I run into one of my former teachers from Burke Central I feel an intense need to apologize. Not for any one particular act of moronity, more of a compilation of misbehavior. I’m sure my behavior isn’t any worse than thousands of other students.

It is a simple fact that there will always be a few knucklehead students. The problem arises when the parents turn a blind eye towards their child’s knuckleheadedness and don’t accept the fact that we can’t ‘make’ their perfect little angel into a rocket scientist. If a kid doesn’t want to learn the parents are not doing them any favors by placing blame solely on the teacher. Enough with that little rant.

My grades were never that big of a concern to me, my concern was entertainment. How could I make someone laugh, and more important than that, how could I make someone laugh so that they would get in trouble and not me. I believe ‘instigator’ was the term thrown around at parent teacher conferences. One of my teachers went so far as to tell my dear mother that, “I know he’s always up to something, but I can’t catch him.”

So from that point forward I set off on my academic career with a title and an objective. I wasn’t just another class clown; I was an instigator, a branded man, with the challenge of not getting caught, and well, it so happens I was pretty good at it. I hate to blame birth order, but I believe that by nature the eldest child is much better suited for a life of instigation.

Provoking your younger siblings to attempt things that you have learned, in your longer existence, should not be attempted. Ninety percent of my childhood was spent goading my younger siblings into situations that I would no doubt find entertaining. The other ten percent was spent searching for toys in cereal boxes, watching cartoons, and wetting the bed. Sometimes all at the same time.

In short always be suspicious of the eldest. If I were me I surely wouldn’t trust my suggestion to float on a leaf like the elf in the book. Definitely would turn a deaf ear when it’s suggested that you can snort Orange Crush through a straw without any ill effects. I would be suspicious of a chummy pat on the back when in close proximity to an electric fence. I would question why my shoes smelled of gasoline before getting to close to the burning pile of leaves. These are all just examples, just examples, nothing more.

There is a point to all this instigation, besides shear entertainment it’s very educational. As your parents question their decision to reproduce while chastising little brother for violently sputtering Orange Crush all over the cars interior, you are recording the outcome in your big brother “I Was Wondering What Would Happen If” book. I would let you read mine, but we are required to dispose of them when we have our first child so as to ensure another generation of instigation. A viscous but necessary cycle.

Anyway, back to teacher appreciation. Thank you all and I apologize for my classmates’ behavior, I tried to stop them, really I did.