What are you getting your Mom for Mothers Day? Don’t panic you still have plenty of time to construct a macaroni necklace. If you don’t cook the noodles she’ll get years of enjoyment out of it. While you’re pondering what gifts to bestow upon you Mommy, think back to all the grief, frustration, pain, and shear mental agony you may have caused this women in her lifetime.

Can’t think of any? Just ask your Mom, I’m sure she has a list somewhere. I mean the childbirth process itself should be enough for us to be forever in our Mother’s debt. I’ve been there, I’ve seen what goes on in that delivery room, it’s not pretty. Sweating, screaming, crying, and that was just me while my wife was squeezing my hand and glaring at me accusingly.

Here’s a little pearl of wisdom for any expecting fathers that intend on witnessing the birth of their child: Never show any sign, what so ever, that what you are witnessing in the delivery is somehow humorous or amusing to you. In short, don’t laugh. I would rather not discuss how I know this. The concussion was mild and I’m not pressing charges.

Mom’s do little things to get back at us that we aren’t aware of. Pictures of us in embarrassing or compromising situations are one sly method. As you mug for the camera in your sisters cheerleading outfit, thinking your being entertaining, your mom is behind the camera chuckling with revenge on her mind. Or possibly honoring the request of you and your brother’s miss guided thoughts that silk cowboy shirts with long tassels would be cool.

Matching clothes for siblings in general is the biggest secret revenge a mother will use. Sometimes they may ratchet the revenge up a notch and insist that the entire family match for a public event. These are things we don’t question or resist until we reach our teens. You know, the years when we are searching for self expression by dressing and acting exactly like our friends. Mom’s are behind this phenomenon also.

So I guess if you really want to make your mother happy on mother’s day, slip into that cheerleading uniform again, hand her a camera, and find a busy restaurant. Don’t worry, you won’t embarrass her, mothers lack the embarrassment gene. How else do you think they’ve been able to put up with us?

If you haven’t noticed, most of what I write in this column is based on factual experiences with a dash or two or three of fiction for entertainment purposes. Sometimes this line between fact and fiction is a little hazy. My point is that I want to point out the ‘fact’ that my wife, my mom, and my grandmas are wonderful women, deserving of all the laughter, love, and happiness life has to offer. Thank you all for who you are and all that you do.

Gotta go, macaroni’s on sale. Happy Mother’s Day.