Beings that I’m a hard working tax paying American; well a tax paying American anyway, I received my social security statement in the mail today. I know this because in big bold letters it says, “Your Social Security Statement: Prepared especially for Joshua C. Ellis” and right above that it says, “Prevent identity theft protect your Social Security number.”

I made a few quick checks to make sure that I was who this document implied I could possibly be. Scar on left cheek from flying bingo card…check. That was the last time I partied with Grandma Helen, crazy German. Several patch’s of hair missing from top of head…check. Never, I repeat, never, use banana scented shampoo before going to see the monkeys at the zoo.

I figured if anybody could tell me I was me it would be my lovely wife. To make it a little more difficult for her I put a ski mask on and a muumuu. Then as she slept I snuck into the bedroom, flipped on the light and screamed, “Who am I!” I had no idea she could kick so hard, and with such accuracy. During the ensuing scuffle the ski mask was violently removed from my head, along with some hair that my monkey friends apparently overlooked. With mild curiosity my wife gave me that strange look that I’m accustomed to, shook her head and exclaimed, “Josh, what are doing?”

There, I had my proof, I endangered my favorite muumuu to get it but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. So I limped back downstairs to continue reading this document made especially for me, Joshua C. Ellis.

As I was reading the friendly letter from the Social Security commissioner, something troubling appeared. Here’s the fun fact that Jo Anne B. Barnhart, the commissioner, had to share with me, “Without changes, by 2042 the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted.” With my minimal knowledge of arithmetic I crunched some numbers and found that I would be approximately 70 years old in the year 2042. Isn’t that just a shiny ray of happy news.

Coincidence? I think not. This reeks of conspiracy. Do you know who is behind this conspiracy? Your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart. The Mecca of Materialism needs a renewable source of duffers to push carts at people and hand out smiley face stickers. I am taking a huge risk in exposing this matter, but someone has to stand up to those blue vested bullies. United we stand divided we hand out smiley face stickers.

If anything this is wonderful motivation for our children to get a good education and high paying jobs or flee the country. Because if they can’t afford to ship us to a trailer park in Florida, we’ll be living with them, and they’ll have to drive us to our smiley face sticker jobs.

In the mean time you may see me training for the year 2042 at DJ’s Food Center.