“BE BURKE COUNTIES BIGGEST LOSER.” The headlines jumped out at me and seized my attention. My heart skipped a beat as excitement overtook me…finally…us losers are going to be recognized. All the years spent honing our loser skills were going to pay off, the world would finally know, and award us for the burden we bare. How do they intend on judging us? Is there a loser test? I think my wife already had me take that one in her last Cosmo magazine. If so nobody stands a chance against me. Or possibly an in-depth interview of the loser candidate by a panel of expert losers. As we regal them with our loser life story they could award points for various episodes in our lives that distinguish us as losers. The score card may look something like this.

February 12th, 1982: Huge snow storm. Helped Great Grandma out of her wheelchair so she could shovel the driveway: 10 loser points

Granny doing a shabby job, so I knocked on the window to point out the spots she missed: 8 loser points

Wind howling too loud, Granny can’t hear me knocking on the window. Pelt her with snowballs to get her attention: 15 loser points

Dad gives me $5.00 for shoveling the driveway. I ask Granny for $10.00. She whines about frost bitten fingers as she digs through her purse. 18 loser points

If the point system doesn’t work maybe each biggest loser candidate could be followed around and videoed for a few weeks. Then you the audience could vote for the biggest loser. Of course the cameras would have to be hidden to prevent any embellishment of loser activity on the loser’s behalf. Fellow Burke County losers, our moment of glory is upon us. May the biggest loser win.

I believe it was about 15 years ago when the ‘losers’ bracket in sports began being replaced by the ‘consolation’ round. The reason probably being, that some shrink decided that it dented the fragile psyche of America’s youth to see themselves or their team in the LOSERS bracket. So they are not losers they are consolers, and as consolers I think that the consolation round would be much more constructive if the teams were to embrace in a group hug and console one another instead of continuing to play the game that they are obviously not very good at. Who am I to say such things? I’m 5’9 and I played center for the Burke Central Panthers Basketball team, I know about the loser’s bracket. I really don’t care what they call it, and it really doesn’t matter what side of the bracket you’re on. What are important are the experiences, values, and memories that sport participation brings young athletes, win or lose.

As for the “real” Biggest Loser program, it is a wonderful program. Since I am in a health care field I am always happy to see a community promoting programs that encourage a healthy lifestyle. Take advantage of the program, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the crowning of Burke Counties Biggest Loser. For those of you that are in the program, but don’t win, stick with it, maybe you’ll be a bigger loser next time.